Letter to Dogs & Cats

I did not write this letter. I received as an e-mail. One of the funniest things I've ever read. I posted this on my blog as well (blog.kellysworld.net) but for ease of laughter and sharing it's all here. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T, IT’S ALSO A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. 

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN (1) They live here.... you don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it “fur”-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....

iPod Frankenstien - Letter to David Pogue

I recently wrote a letter to David Pogue, technology columnist for the New York Times, in which I asked in my own unique way to please look a little deeper at the new iPods from Apple. My cheif concern being that in order to watch video on your TV you apparently have to purchase a special cable from Apple. If you are a new iPod user that's not a horrible thing, but if you are a current user your current set-up has to be trashed and replaced with a new one.

Personally I think the MPAA is at the heart of this situation. I bet if we dig deep we will find this cable will inhibit copying or some such other nonsense.

Mr. Pogue,

I just read your article,

Making Over the iPod, Again;

 and while I enjoyed the article and agreed with your points, but  you glossed over the $50 cable debacle; not stopping to inform your readers that apparently deep in the labs of Castle Apple Corp scientists designed a way to teather the new iPods to Apple cables, only.

Typically you aren't hesitant to go "THREE STOOGES" on Apple when they do something boneheaded; what happened? Now it could be that you were as blind-sided as the rest of us and didn't realize it until after your story went to print. I mean you wouldn't take part in a conspiracy to chain the People's Video, would you?

I'm hoping that there is more to this decision than Apple Corp's misguided greed. Maybe it was part of the deal with the studios to get more TV and movies in the iTunes Store. Maybe it's a secret government operation to see what we watch on our iPods (I'm kidding, I think...). Maybe it's "to insure the viewing experience is to Apple's high standards."  That would, of course, infer they didn't have standards before the new iPods.

I must return to MPAA argument, as any other argument just makes my blood boil more. Not that I get a warm & fuzzy from the MPAA flexing the brains of their legal swat team in support of this unholy creation. In the end though, it doesn't matter.  The evil has been unleashed on an unsuspecting public and it isn't going to be pretty.

You Mr. Pogue may be the only one that can douse the flames of anger and mistrust. This is a delicate situation requiring your tact, your diplomacy, your unique ability to cut right to the heart of the story. Or, you could just go for broke and ask them "WHY?"

I always enjoy your commentary, but now my fellow iPod owners and I feel that Apple hasn't "Made Over" the iPod as much as created a monster. So, while we wait for you and other intrepid investigative reporters to unearth the truth;  we'll be heating the oil, sharpening the pitch forks and preparing the torches for the inevitable storming of Castle Apple Corp. Our holy mission,  to capture and kill Frankenstein's iPod. We know Dr. Frankenstein (a.k.a. Steve Jobs) only wants to make the world a better place for video, but I dare say, this just isn't the way.

Maybe I have missed something, maybe I've gone totally mad, or maybe something has gone horribly wrong in the labs of Cupertino. Think of it, somewhere a little girl is about to plug her beautiful new red iPod Nano into a TV only to have her innocence crushed by the deafeningly horrific static of incompatibility. Her life of video ended prematurely; killed by Frankenstein's iPod.